Unprofessional Parenting

I was surprised to see the headline this morning that mother who recently gave birth to octuplets already has six kids living at home. On a basic level I can’t even imagine the logistics of having octuplets - let alone six additional children. The MSNBC report (see video below) points to a much more complicated ethical dilemma about the propriety of giving fertility assistance to parents who already have multiple children.

Once the mother realized she was pregnant with eight more kids her only options were to selectively abort or to maintain the pregnancy. I understand the inability to selectively abort but I think the real question is regarding what happened before she became pregnant.

We don’t know much about the mom (and nothing about the father although it seems that he is not involved) but there is reason to question the rationality of undergoing In Vitro fertilization when you already have six children living at home.  At the very least it may be irresponsible and at worst potentially insane.

Here is the video. I’ll be interested to see reactions to this one.

.msnbcLinks {font-size:11px; font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; color: #999; margin-top: 5px; background: transparent; text-align: center; width: 425px;} .msnbcLinks a {text-decoration:none !important; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999 !important; font-weight:normal !important; height: 13px;}

Since I live in California I wasn’t aware that midwives and home births are not legal in every state. With the incoming Obama administration and expected changes to the health care system those who advocate home births are seeking legislation in many states to legalize the position of Certified Professional Midwives (CPM) for home birth.

The main argument in this particular article  is that a home birth attended by a CPM is a good option for those with low risk pregnancies to reduce medical costs and deliver in a more familiar environment. Many medical boards and institutions still resist the practice as potentially unsafe as labor and delivery complications can develop quickly.

I am not particularly opposed to home birth for those who want this option. It does seem however, that making the case that it is a good choice because it is “less expensive” is a terrible argument. Having a home birth is a decision that should be made based on the values, comfort and safety of the parents and baby. Economics should not be a deciding factor. It may be a plus for those who are already committed to the idea but the thought that someone might choose a home birth primarily to save a buck is a very scary prospect.

Mostly everyone I knew was supportive when my son was born and I decided to breastfeed. Mostly everyone. There was one member of my husband’s family who was not pleased with my decision and who made her opinion very well know. I wondered about this. With all the news and information available that proves breastfeeding the best way to feed your baby (if you are willing and able) how could this person so vehemently argue that formula was better?

I did some thinking about this and some fact checking and the answer turned out to be historical. For a brief time in the United States from about 1946-1956, formula feeding became the symbol of technological progress and (supposedly) convenience. Of course, my doubter was a mother during exactly that time period and her protestations that breast feeding my baby would starve him were a product of the overwhelming influence of formula companies during that period.

Here’s a quick run down of the interesting facts:

• Baby formula was invented in 1867 (most say by Henri Nestle but there’s a little controversy about this. See the Baby Bottle Museum online for a great information source).
• During the baby boom of the mid 1940s to the mid 1950s formula was marketed in the United States as the epitome of modern mothering.
• After the baby boom was over, formula companies began to market to non-industrialized nations to increase sales.
• This led to a drastic increase in infant mortality rates in third world countries. The problems with the marketing plan were as follows:
  • Sanitation - Not only can clean water for mixing formula be a problem in poor countries, quite obviously mothers also lacked the tools to properly sanitize bottles, nipples, etc.
  • Mothers in these countries often used less formula than the instructions stated in order to make the can last longer. Not only did children miss out on the natural antibodies in breast milk, they were literally malnourished from improperly measured formula bottles.
• In 1977 a boycott began in the United States against Nestle for what many believed were socially irresponsible marketing practices to non-industrialized countries.
• Today, breastfeeding has seen tremendous resurgence because of the push to educate mothers about the benefits for both the mother and child.

While this is obviously a very brief look at the development of infant formula, it was quite interesting for me to note since I had to deal with this conflict the entire time I nursed my son. Literally every time this woman saw my son she said “He looks hungry. I just don’t think he’s getting enough to eat.” When he reached six months old it turned to “You can’t just feed him that way forever. Just by looking at him I can tell he’s not getting enough to eat.” After my son turned a year old and began drinking milk she asked me how I managed to get him off the bottle so quickly. I explained that he never had a bottle - he went from breast to cup so it was easy. “Oh, well I guess it would be because he probably was tired of getting fed that way anyway,” was the oh-so-supportive response.

I laughed my way through all of this. Obviously this was someone who had formed an opinion long ago and nothing I could say was going to change it. That’s not to say that I wasn’t occasionally frustrated by the repeated accusations that I was starving my son. In light of the history of development and use of infant formula in the U.S. though I think it’s a testament to the power of marketing. It’s a bit scary to think of what I’ll be harassing young pregnant women and mothers about fifty+ years from now!

As promised here is the follow up to my previous post about the least helpful help I received when my first son was born. So that I don’t get mired in my own negativity I have put together a list of things that actually are helpful to those who are coming home with infants.

• Feel free to bring some food and drop it off for us. Meals are appreciated - we might not be able to eat it while you are here but having something in the refrigerator/freezer can be a big help on those tired nights.
• Spend a little time with my older son. The only caveat to this is please don’t leave toys all over my living room. We do have some adult visitors who love to play with my 2-year-old but who tend to scatter toys and leave them. It’s fun for my son but not so much for me to clean up after they leave.
• Dishes. This one is a bit of slave labor but when my son was born my mom used to sneak around the house and kitchen sweeping dirty dishes into the dishwasher and getting it going for me. I usually didn’t notice she was doing it until she was already gone but it is about the most helpful thing I can remember from those early days. FYI: Laundry doesn’t work this way for us. We had an offer to do our laundry once but we’re not the types who are comfortable with others digging through our hampers and laundry bins.
• Diapers. If you want to bring by a present then diapers are most appreciated. I know the baby clothes are so irresistible so pick up an outfit if you must but know the most practical gift in those early days is the utilitarian type.
• Short visits. Unless we have some prior arrangement please don’t plan on staying for hours. The best visits we had were relatively short and sweet. We do appreciate the well wishes but we are easily tired so those who would stay for “an afternoon” were usually subject to my exhausted crankiness at some point during the visit.
• Visit in smaller groups. We had one huge group who came to visit my son and it was exhausting. Despite their assurances that I didn’t need to entertain them, I found myself being asked to retrieve snacks and drinks for everyone during the visit.  Please don’t use the visit as a family/friend reunion to catch up on old times - keeping the groups small is much easier on mom, dad and baby.
• Call before you come and see if I need anything from the store. This is always helpful if I happen to need a gallon of milk or a box of cereal but don’t want to send anyone to get it. If you’re on your way I don’t feel so bad about asking for a tiny delivery.

In general, the best help I received was silent and low key. Without exception those who swept in with loud declarations about their intentions to “help with everything” were the most likely to actually create more work for me. Being aware of your own presence is the most helpful thing a visitor can do under any circumstances. Clean up after yourself and enjoy my kids and we should all get along just fine.

As the arrival of baby #2 approaches quickly I’m having nervous flashbacks from when my son was an infant. Offers to “help” are rolling in but as I recall during my last infant period the offers to help were rarely helpful. Almost without exception all those well-meaning folks who visited to “help out” actually made my life more difficult.

For those who have been in this situation I’ve put together a quick list of what is NOT helpful to someone with a baby:

• Don’t arrive offering to help and then ask to be served food/drinks. You are welcome to what is in my refrigerator but assuming I’ll get it for you in my post c-section condition is only going to be a disappointment.
• Arriving with a meal and wanting to sit down with us immediately and eat it isn’t helpful. Consider how wacky our schedule is - we may not even be hungry - and while we thank you for the food, trying to force us into a sit down meal probably won’t (or can’t) work.
• As an attachment to the above point: If you do eat or drink at our house please don’t leave dirty dishes, soda cans or beer bottles lying around for me to clean up. This happened to me several times. In a couple of cases the dishes didn’t even get to the sink but were left with the remains of the meal on my dining room table. Thanks.
• If you need to rearrange my furniture - please put it back! I have eight very heavy dining room chairs around my table and a certain visitor had a habit of moving them around the house and not putting them back. The same goes for heavy ottomans or end tables.
• If I am nursing please don’t barge in and ask to “give me a break” by holding the baby immediately. Are you lactating? If not then the answer is no.
• Don’t wake up the baby to take pictures of him. NOT HELPFUL.
• Please don’t offer to diaper the baby if you are going to tell me the way I do it is silly. I had to change tons of outfits after well meaning helpers informed me that pointing his “boy parts” down was unnecessary during diapering. Thanks for getting me peed on - sometimes there is a method to my madness.

Boy, that got long fast! My anxiety level is definitely ratcheted up at this point so I know I’m being a little whiny here but I’m preparing for several months of no sleep so cut me some slack please. As a follow up I will post a list of what is helpful for tomorrow - just so I’m not accused of being totally negative all the time!

As I am getting close to having my second child I am once again surprised at the amount of unsolicited advice that I am receiving from friends, family, and total strangers. I obviously don’t know everything so I’m not automatically annoyed by advice but it seems like the same people who are always telling me the same things and honestly, it’s getting a little old.

Here are my favorites for this baby:

* I should trade my car in now because it won’t be big enough for two kids. I think we’ll cross this road when/if we come to it - thanks anyway (by the way, I drive a Chevy Tahoe - it’s really big so I’m surprised that I keep hearing this one. Do I really need a utility van for two kids?).

* My older son will turn into a rabid monster once his brother is born.  Yeah, I know there will be some adjustments for him that might be tough for a while but seriously - stop telling me this! It’s fairly rude and, like anything that I might hear several times a week, I’m just sick of it.

* I need to get a double stroller asap.  I have a single stroller that I think I’ve used a total of 3 times. My son is 27 months old and won’t ride in a stroller to save his life so I don’t think this applies to us - thanks anyway.

*The ultrasound must be wrong because it just feels like we’re having a girl. Okay, this comes from an elderly family member who means well but is obsessed with us having a girl. The ultrasound is pretty clear. If this is a girl she’s got some issues we’ll definitely need to attend to after her birth. . .

* Your life will totally change. I heard this so much with my first son - not that it isn’t true but I already know that life will be different. I’m one of those people who actually considers these things so the assumption that I would get pregnant without being aware that life will change is mildly offensive.

I’m sure there will be a follow up on this one. I try to take it as a lesson that most people don’t want advice they didn’t ask for- not even my friends and/or family.  When people share news I try to listen and consider that I don’t automatically know everything about their situation so unless they ask I try to keep my opinions to myself.

A new study released finds that the risk of complications from a c-section are dramatically reduced if the baby is delivered no earlier than 39 weeks gestation.  The full article can be found here but the summary is that even the few days of development between 38 1/2 and 39 weeks make a difference for the health of the baby.

The most complications in babies born via c-section prior to 39 weeks were due to breathing and lung development problems. Here are the statistics: 15% born at 37 weeks had complications, 11% born at 38 weeks had complications, and 8% had complications at 39 weeks.

This is surprising since c-sections are becoming more common for a variety of reasons and are typically scheduled before 39 weeks. My upcoming c-section is schedule at 38.5 weeks (see my previous post for more on my irritation about this) but as I mentioned before I was not given much of an option about the date. I did request that it be a few days later which would have put me at 39 weeks but my doctor’s office was adimate about their schedule so sometimes I guess you have to bite the bullet.

How can I tell if I am raising a narcissist? I have noticed lately that my two year old son stares at himself incessantly in the mirror anytime we are in the bathroom. It has become difficult to brush his teeth because he just can’t seem to turn away from his adorable reflection long enough to get me a good angle.

Don’t get me wrong - I’m all for good self esteem and the boy should certainly be able to give himself a gander in the mirror from time to time but it is starting to seem excessive. If I face him towards me he rolls his eyes as far right as possible to smile at himself in the mirror. Sometimes he gets toothpaste all over himself by accident because he spits without looking to be sure he is over the sink.  I have even seen him entirely miss the water while washing his hands because he is too busy giving himself a gaze and grin.

Perhaps it is hereditary. After all, I still catch his dad from time to time making faces in the mirror and chuckling to himself about how funny he can be.

I picked up son #2’s “going home outfit” the other day. When I got home I decided it was time to bust out all the baby clothes from son #1 and get them ready for use. I was seriously overwhelmed at the amount of stuff that we had packed away.

My first reaction was that there was no way we could have actually used all these infant clothes for one tiny kid. As my memory began to clear, however, I realized that when my son was an infant we went through several outfits a day - casualties of the poop/pee/barf wars that my son’s digestive process was waging with his wardrobe.

In my panic about all the stuff I rushed online and ordered some closet organizers and drawer dividers. Our goal for this baby is not to be ordering new furniture and “stuff” every few seconds but it was quickly apparent that there was no way all of the costume changes could coexist in our current organizational state.

I’m feeling slightly more in control although the thought of all that additional baby laundry is haunting me still. I can’t wait until summer when the wardrobe inevitably resorts to “diaper only” and the wash load drops precipitously.

I do have to make the disclaimer that I didn’t plan on scheduling my c-section for baby #2 for convenience sake. Son #1 was c-section after a very long labor and my doc recommended I not try again so we agreed the do the elective surgery this time. That said, everyone keeps telling me that although I have to deal with the surgery at least it will be more convenient to know and plan for when the baby will arrive.

As it turns out - that’s not entirely accurate. I scheduled yesterday at my doctor’s office and I was very disappointed with the results. It’s not the day of week I was hoping for and also not the time of day. Which means that whole upshot of surgery that “at least it’s more convenient” doesn’t apply for me. I get the recovery and risk of surgery without even the convenience. Ug.

The reason is apparently that the doctor is only there certain days and they already have a pretty full schedule so I mostly got shuttled into whatever was open despite my protests. It’s also about 10 days before my due date - a little earlier than I wanted to go (I was hoping for only about 7 days prior - given some of the recent research about those last few days being pretty significant for development).

I know I’m being whiny here. A healthy baby is the ultimate goal and I don’t think it will matter much after he’s born but my 9 month pregnancy hormones won’t let me get beyond my annoyance for the time being. Sigh.